Bridesmaids: The User Manual

I have not been able to blog recently. Because, well, it is wedding season. Which got me thinking…..

There are so many bride’s blogs and magazines out there, but there really are not nearly enough “bridesmaid” guides. And let’s be honest, when you are a bride you can do whatever you want because “It is YOUR wedding” but when you are a bridesmaid? Well, you do what you are supposed to do because it is NOT your wedding.  But what is it that you are supposed to do exactly? And really, you are going to be a bridesmaid way more times than you are going to be a bride in your 20s and 30s (or at least let’s hope so). 

I am not going to pretend that I know everything about being a bridesmaid, but I am going to put together a list of useful tips that I have learned in my 20s that just might help others out there.

1. Never, ever, ever wear white. Or off white. Or really light pink for that matter. Don’t you have a bold color in your wardrobe? This goes for showers, rehearsal dinners, engagement parties, etc. Actually, just forget that those light pastel colors don’t even exist. You never want to compete with the bride or have the other bridesmaid talking about you behind your back.

2. This is not your day. Do not cause drama. Do not make any part of this about you. Infact, I even prefer the maid of honor (etc) speeches where they don’t drone on about how they are besties with the bride. This isn’t about you either maid of honor.

3. Always thank the parents. They paid anyways.

4.  Wear something that is “adult friendly”. I am going to quote a grandmother at a recent shower I went to (not to me, thankfully). “Honey, is does that skirt have wheels, because it sure keeps riding up”.

5.   Do not ever out dress the bride. Keep your glitter and sequence at home.

6. If the bride says dance (even if it is in a choreographed dance) do it. And do it well. Even if you suck at dancing (likes yours truly)

7.  Stay calm. The bride will be stressed out enough. If you have a tendency to be a drama queen (most of us do) pretend that you don’t. Never scream or use loud voices on the wedding day until there is a fire or someone is bleeding (and I am not talking about a paper cut).

8. Buy them something off the registry. That is what they wanted anyways. OR (my personal favorite) buy them a gift card for the place the registered. That way they can get whatever is left on the registry that they REALLY wanted. And you know they like the store. Who wants that 5^th napkin ring when they could use your money towards the crock pot they wanted. Sure, it is not “personal”, but do you really want your friends to remember you every time they use that napkin ring? Or do you want them to think of you as that awesome/fun friend that you are.

9. If you run out of shower ideas (since you cant get them a gift card for that) personalize something. Everyone likes something with their name on it.

10. Always RSVP to stuff. People our parents age really appreciate when people RSVP. People our age always seem to forget. (especially if it is a phone number to call – who talks on the phone these days anyways?)

11. Dance at the party. The bride wants people to have a good time. And you will get other people on the floor if you dance. You don’t even have to be good – just white girl wedding dance.

12. Only bring a date if you are seriously dating someone or if you would not know many people otherwise. No guy wants to go on an early-on date to a wedding anyways. Why make your friends pay for an extra plate if they don’t need to? If you are in the wedding it means that the guy would spend all day by himself anyways.

13. There is always going to be “that bridesmaid”. Suck it up – they don’t have to be your friend at the end of the wedding. I am not referring to anyone specifically because there is literally one at every wedding. (If you don’t think there is one in the group of bridesmaids… well, it is probably you then, and you should tone it down… or take a zanex)

14. If the bride’s hair is messed up? Fix it. Don’t just say “oh you look great”. She is going to have to look at those pictures the rest of her life and if there is a hair in her face – it is your job as a true friend to fix it.

15. Bring tide-to-go. Worst case scenario, look for bleach in a bathroom cleaner at the church/reception/etc.

16. Buy those comfy pads for your shoes. Worth the investment. And don’t lock your knees. Eat something the day of the wedding. (you wont look that much “thinner” if you skip the meal anyways). Make sure your spanx are not too tight – you want to breathe to prevent passing out.

17. Don’t stuff your bra with tissues. Did you really think you would reach down your dress while standing on stage if you start to cry? If you feel like you are going to cry – open your eyes really wide. Or simply wipe with your hands. Or think of things that don’t make you cry.

18. Just because the alcohol is free doesn’t mean you should drink until you vomit. Never be that girl.

19. Remember all the stuff like “don’t cut the bows” and “save them for a rehearsal bouquet” and the “something borrowered something blue”. At the end of the day, the bride will be thankful since she has enough on her plate to remember.

Brides and Bridesmaids - I would LOVE to hear any additions you have to this list (especially since I stopped awkwardly at #19) - Or comments, because... not every thing on this list will apply to bride/situation.

Porches get hit too

I think most 20-somethings know the feeling. The "I would look really great driving that car" feeling. The "I work hard and deserve a nice car" feeling. Why is there such an association with nice cars = success? (besides to obvious fact that you can't buy a nice car until you have plenty of money to throw into it?)

I would look great driving a Porsche Cayenne. That cute little cross-over. Probably a white exterior. Or perhaps a pearl? (Not that either colors are practical since I would have to also budget in a weekly car wash). I would ride in style and arrive in style. I mean, first impressions are everything right? It is amazing how we can justify material possessions. I'll give you a few of my own justifications:

• I work hard everyday, I can afford to treat myself to a luxury item
• I drive to work everyday. If I have to drive that much, I should enjoy the ride
• I mean, someday I'll have kids and have to have a "Mommy" car. I deserve this.
• A car doesn't go out of style as fast as a pair of shoes would
• But, (Insert Name Here) drives a Porche/Lexus/Beemer/Audi. I should too!
• It's an investment. (It's really not....)
• I can finance it....
• I live in Dallas - isn't a luxury car more of a need than a want here?
• If I had a nice car, I would take better care of it.

Pretty good, huh? (Tempted to stop writing this post and go get myself one instead). But I don't drive a Porsche Cayenne. I drive a 2004 Toyota Corolla. It a couple strips of ducktape on the front bumper from an "instance" a year ago. It has a post-factory radio system that the previous owner installed which is nearly impossible to use. It has shiny "rims" which lends itself to the name my coworkers have lovingly given the car, "Ghetto Whip". (Or just GW for short). So what keeps me in my little Toyota Corolla?

Porches get hit too. I just picked up GW from the shop today. This time it wasn't my fault (impressive, if you know my driving record). A tornado put soft-ball sized holes in my back windshield. When you think about it, the tornado doesn't care if I was driving a GW or driving a Porche. Weather doesn't discriminate. That 16-year-old texting? They don't avoid a Porche just because it cost more. Infact, someone might hit me just BECAUSE I drove a nice car. If I get side swiped in the parkinglot? That sucks. But it would suck way more if I drove a Cayenne. 

DON'T IMPULSE BUY anything that costs close to your salary.  Be happy with what you drive. Be happy that it gets you from point A to point B and even has working A/C. (If you do drive a nice car, be happy and don't take it for granted.) If you want to drive a nice car, then do it... but take into consideration what your budget will no longer allow as a result of an expensive car purchase.

Need more help with those justifications? Try these:

• Work hard everyday? Treat yourself to a $3 frozen yogurt instead.
• Need to improve your drive to work?  Download some music off iTunes
• Did you even remember the maintenance costs on that type of car?
• Oh yea, and you can't buy the "cheap" gas anymore.
• Want to invest? Buy a house. Or some mutual funds.
• What if I move to New York/Boston/Chicago and no longer even need a car?
• I would be terrified to leave my car in the garage... or park close to a store
• Easy target for criminals (No one messes with the Ghetto Whip)
• (Feel free to fill in your own)
• Most importantly? Porches get hit too.

Moral of the story? Love the one you're with. Car that is.

Watch Yourself

Time. Such a sensitive subject when you really think about it. “Time is limited” and “Time is money” and “Time flies”. Such a source of stress, anxiety, frustration, and arguments. How many times do I look back at when I was growing up and remember my Dad screaming at us to leave? Oh wait, that was over the holiday break too – some things really don’t change. (In our defense, my Dad thinks that 10 minutes early is on time…. Which means if he says to be ready to leave for dinner at 6, he really means 5:50. And if you are a teenage girl, those precious 10 minutes make all the difference in appearance… which is more valuable than time… but back on track). I think of the frustration my Dad faced and the aggravation it caused my mother and me. What wasted energy.

Basically, people view time differently.

It is interesting that people from different cultures view time differently. My experience is that Europeans view time as a relative term. 6:00 could mean 5:45 or it could mean 6:45. Why rush? What is the big rush?

Why are Americans so stressed and pressed for time? Are the Eurpoeans or eastern cultures less stressed and more content? Could our time pressure be what makes our culture so productive? (And also die of heart attacks and high blood pressure?)

You might be asking: What should a Savvy 20-something care about the large differences in time perspectives? Good question. (Maybe because technically I asked it of myself). When it boils down the importance of time, it is important to remember that there are people like my Dad out there. Infact, the real world seems to be full of them. What message does it send to a friend if I am 10 minutes late to dinner? It says “I don’t value your time, I think it is okay to make you waste your precious time waiting on me”. Same thing when you are meeting your boss – and in that situation? That could cost you your job.

I had to meet a manager for a meeting at 8am. This meeting was 30ish minutes from my house (and in the heart of rush hour). I also hate morning (mornings being before noon). But what did I do? I got myself out of bed extra early, so despite traffic, and despite hating mornings, I could be at work at 7:45 to prepare for the meeting. What message does it send to a superior (or a coworker) when you roll in at  8:15 instead? I don’t get “points” for coming early, but I am sure she was more willing to help me than if I came in late.

On the flip side, if you are meeting someone – and being the prompt person that you now will be – beat them to work/dinner/etc, have some patience. Know that sometimes life happens, and that their schedule might just not have let them get there on time. Their clock culture could be different.

To end: Just remember, always “Watch” yourself and be on time. (hey, good excuse to go shopping for a cute new watch right?)

The Path to Growing Up

DISCLAIMER: This isn't a savvy life tip.

I wrote this for an Esquire Magazine competition. We had to use 76 words to write some sort of poem-creative-like-entry. I never actually submitted my "poem".  Savvy life tip (that is completely overused and totally cliche): Sometimes the joy is in the journey. Here is the poem. Wonder what you guys think. Hello real world.

ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I don't actually think I am grown up yet.

The Path to Growing Up

Realizing your parents’ don’t know everything. Finding your own path.

Trying to fit in. Finding the friends where you don’t need to try.

Dancing with others. Finding your own beat.

Seeking acceptance.  Seeking independence. Finding contentment.

The first kiss, first love, first heart break. Finding you have to love yourself first.

Making mistakes.  Disappointing others. Disappointing yourself. Finding how to pick  yourself back up.

Realizing your parents’ were right all along. Finding appreciation.

Searching for your passion. Finding your passion – and never giving up.

Stop looking at the neighbor's yard and water your own damn grass

I know, not a typical title for me. Not girly (but still sassy), here is the point: Sure, the grass might be greener on the otherside... but wouldn't we be happy with our own yard if we stopped comparing? Maybe if we spent more time watering our yard and less time peering over the fence (I picture Wilson from Home Improvement), then the grass would be greener on our side. And if we stopped comparing, we might be happy with our green just the way it is.

I wonder if any of you follow.

A study at Warton Business school stated that people would rather make $50,000 when their friends are making $25,000 than make $100,000 when their friends are making $250,000. Are we really that concerned about comparing ourselves to others? (Yes) And is it really necessary to wish for success compared to the people (our friends) who are supposed to accept us for who we are? Perhaps, if we changed our mindset we would be happier by comparing less. I'm not saying this is easy, but shouldn't we at least try? I think being aware of it is the first step.

My friend Ashlyn has the cutest wardrobe. I am talking designer, matching, put together, fashionable items. There are days that her hair is perfectly curled while mine is airdrying with the windows down on the way to work (don't pretend you haven't tried that move - and if you haven't? You so should!). Her shoes match her her clothes perfectly, while I am sometimes hoping that I am not wearing one black and one navy. (Okay, I'm not that bad, but just go with me). I will never be completely satisfied with my wardrobe if I compare myself to Ashlyn. Yes, I could try waking up 15 minutes earlier.. but lets be honest. But really, she doesn't care what I am wearing, and neither does my predominately male team. If I don't compare, my happiness goes up. (Or better yet, take myself on a shopping spree!)

Same thing goes for non-material situations. There was a day in HighSchool that I told my mom I was worried I wouldn't get into college. This wasn't because I was "dumb". I was in all honors classes. My problem was that I was comparing myself to students who were also overachievers and found myself mediocre in comparison. Compare less, study harder, and I would be just fine.

How many other times do I compare my work to the work of coworkers? Or compare my apartment to the apartment of my friend's? How can I turn all of this external focus inward and actually improve the one that matters?
1. Awareness. Okay, I am done taking notes from Wilson. Do we even know what that guy looks like anyways?
2. Water your own grass. Focus on my "yard" or wardrobe or work and stop caring about others. When noticing that focus changes, change it back
3. Focus on your strengths. My body type couldn't pull off half the stuff Ashlyn wears anyways!
4. Don't knock other's down. Why wish your friends made less than you? Shouldn't you be secure enough to want others to succeed as well?
5. I really want a 5th - any suggestions?

Fresh Impressions

First impressions are everything. (I am clearly not the person who came up with that concept or the science to back it up - I wish I was, because then? I would be so rich and famous that I wouldn't have to keep my day job)  But first impressions are not always easy.

Welcome to training at a big four accounting firm. (It is not just public accounting, let's face it, there is probably plenty of this in your training rooms too. And if there isn't? well, are they hiring?) Here is a room with 30 people who are all at the same level and competing for jobs, raises, and titles. (vicious sounding, I know) The new girl walks in. She just transferred, never worked on a job with anyone from the rest of the group, and no one knows her. She is like the new kid in school (that no one really likes). When she has to give her introduction everyone watches her and sizes up the competition. (Okay, this may be a little dramatic, but the point is there). She sits down at the table, reaches into her purse, and pulls out a little tin of mints. She takes one for herself and then asks "does anyone else want one?". In 5 seconds she turns from "potential threat" to best friend of everyone at the table.

Okay, alittle dramatic. But the point is there. Everyone loves gifts. Something free. The offering of the mint makes her instantly a "friend" and there is a small tiny bond and a smile exchanged. If you enter a room of people find a gesture, whether it is a mint or simply plugging in the team's laptops. It's the little things that count.

Just remember, for  $1.50 at your local drug store you can buy your way into making a great first impression.